mommydom

I am lucky enough to have a beautiful, smart 6 (almost 7!) year old daughter.  She is delightful, smart, funny, and creative.  I love her with every ounce of my being.  I love (almost) everything having to do with being a parent.  I can't say it's always unicorns and rainbows, as any parent knows.  But the benefits outweigh the negatives.  I enjoy and have always enjoyed watching her grow and learn.  This is true of all children, as I find child development absolutely fascinating, but it is especially... well, special when it is your own.

The reason I have parenting, being a mommy on the brain is that recently my due date for my miscarriage went by.  It was June 12th.  It went by with little notice from anyone except me.  Taylor wouldn't of noticed except that I said something.  Not that I expected him to remember, we lost Sprout relatively early, 9 weeks.

Now, for those of you who didn't know that I had a miscarriage, I apologize.  I did not make it public information.  I didn't want people to think that I wanted sympathy, etc.  Also, the subject is so taboo for some reason.  I went through such a stage (and still do!) of mourning.  I lost a child.  There is no question.  Had I not lost him, he would be here with us right now.  Life would be completely different.

So, miscarriage aside, since then, I've wanted a baby in a way I did not know was possible.  I've always been a "when it's time, I'll have one."  I guess I know what the "biological clock" is now.  When I see baby stuff, smell baby lotion, see a baby, etc.  All I can think about is wanting a baby, holding a baby, breastfeeding, changing, taking naps with a baby, labour, delivery, everything.  I want a baby with all of my being, and I cannot seem to shake it.  I can't tell this very basic part of my womanhood to be quiet, right now isn't a good time.  I need to finish school and so does Taylor.  I need to be tenured first.  etc etc etc.  It doesn't care.  It just says... you need to have more babies. 

I've been struggling with this since my first miscarriage, as I've had 2.  The second was a blighted ovum.  For people that have experienced this kind of longing, this aching womb, they understand.  For those that haven't they don't understand why I can't just move on.  Why I can't just take care of my child and the children at school and be satisfied by that.  All I can tell them is it's just not the same.  It's just not the same.